Cold compress

Had a boulder dropped on your head?  One too many sherries? Old fashioned shiner? A cold compress should be somewhere in everyone's bathroom. You can use it hot or cold. If you don't watch enough Laurel and Hardy or Loony Tunes then you might not recognise them. They are essentially a waterproof bag (kind of like a shower cap) with a wide neck opening to put ice in and a screw lid. 

Apply to bump. Complain. See illustrations.

Might go beautifully with a hot water bottle for the delicate flowers amongst you.